Debbie Grande

I would be a liar if I said that my life before my relationship with Christ was all horrible. The truth is that I felt like my life was great! I lived my life for me. I did whatever I wanted, went wherever I wanted, and continued to be motivated by whatever would make me happy. I rebelled against my parents, used drugs and alcohol in abundance, and continued my path on cruise control.

That lifestyle came to an abrupt halt in the middle of April 2010. In one day I began to wonder what would happen to me if I were to die the next day. Was I making myself proud of what I was doing, much less my family? That was just the "tip of the iceberg."

The Holy Spirit gave my soul a deal no other could top. I began listening to what scripture said and to my amazement my love for my family and friends was motivated by helping them and making them proud. Bad habits were replaced by Bible study classes, "weekly" attendance to church and family time.

I was welcomed by the Grace Bible Church family with no judgment and lots of love. I wasn't embarrassed by my past because it didn't matter - I was a new person. The support I've been blessed with by this church family is irreplaceable.

I still have struggles like everyone else but I have the Lord on my side to keep me from turning to bad habits and to pursue my path of leading a life that would please the Lord.

In short, the Lord was GRACIOUS and had MERCY on me and allowed me to have a PEACE I never knew existed.

Ella Billman

Shortly after my 10th birthday the church my family & I attended a series of evangelistic services.  It was at that time that I went forward during an invitation to receive Jesus Christ as my Savior.  My reason for doing so was that I didn’t want to go to hell.  My conversion at that time was genuine, but I really did not understand what it truly meant to be God’s child.  From the time of my salvation throughout my teen years my family & I attended fundamental churches with strong legalistic tendencies.  I learned early on that it was much better to just do as I was told, accept what I was taught, so I would be considered a “good” Christian.  That meant knowing what I believed but not why I believed; knowing what to think, but not how to think.  My perception was that I had to be self-controlled. What followed were years and years of trying to live up to that expectation, trying to be a “good” Christian, always doing the right things in the right way.

As a compliant child I rarely had trouble with the “Thou Shalt Nots”.  Of course I knew if I did them my dad would kill me and I really didn’t want to go there.  But over the years my legalism led to some significant pride issues.  After all, when you are so self-controlled, doing the right things in the right way for a long time you begin to think your way of doing things is the only right way to do them.  I took some pretty hard knocks for believing that and thankfully God used them to humble me.  But for some reason the main grip legalism held on me was in the area of emotions.  I honestly believed that a Christian was not “allowed” to have them, at least not the more extreme ones.

That meant never expressing but rather, stuffing  the “inappropriate” feelings of anger, frustration, extreme joy, deep sorrow.  I was fearful that if someone knew the real “me”, knew what I was really thinking or feeling, they would think I was a terrible person.  So in order to maintain that “self-control” the real me was locked up in a box deep inside.  After a number of years my “self-control” was starting to slip and I was getting really frightened that everything I had stuffed on the inside was going to spew forth, destroying anyone in its path.  And then everyone would know what I was really like and that I was not such a good Christian after all.

However, as time went on, I desperately wanted to be able to be the “real me”.  I was screaming on the inside and looking so “self-controlled” on the outside.  I was getting so tired of hiding, of stuffing.  I kept hoping someone would come along with the key to let me out of that box.  I had no idea how that was supposed to happen but I kept hoping it would.   Little did I know that my hope was about to be realized.

The year 2003 was a very momentous one for me.  That was the year I became a grandmother, the year my son was married and the year my husband asked me to get my CDL so I could join him to form a long-distance truck driving team.  A big-rig truck driving team!   I was the church secretary at the time.  The church had just come through an extremely difficult time and this more than anything else had shaken me to the core of my being.  It was through that time that I was abruptly forced to examine not only what I believed, but more importantly, why I believed it.  God was at work on my behalf! 
I accepted my husband’s invitation – I told him I felt this time on the road would be my spiritual wilderness journey.

A really nice aspect to long-distance truck driving is that you have a lot of time all to yourself.  I was able to take advantage of the hours Ken was doing the driving to spend time in God’s Word and in prayer.  I did an intensive reading of the New Testament while pleading with God for answers as to who I was in relation to Him, what did He think of me, what did it mean to be called by God, to be His child?  Every waking minute of every day for weeks while it was Ken’s time to drive I prayed and read God’s Word.  I started in Matthew and read through to the book of Romans.  And then I came to Romans chapter 4, which begins this way, What then shall we say that Abraham, our forefather according to the flesh, has found?  For if Abraham was justified by works, he has something to boast about; but not before God.  For what does the Scripture say? “And Abraham believed God, and it was reckoned to him as righteousness.”  Then in verses 16 and 17, For this reason it is by faith, that it might be in accordance with grace, in order that the promise may be certain to all the descendants, not only to those who are of the Law, but also to those who are of the faith of Abraham, who is the Father of us all, (as it is written, “A Father of many nations have I made you”) in the sight of Him whom he believed, even God, who gives life to the dead and calls into being that which does not exist.

As I read that last phrase something incredible happened in my spirit!  I realized that when I decided to follow Christ as a 10 year old girl, at that moment God brought me into existence as His child with the liberty to become the woman He purposed for me to be.  As I continued reading in chapter 5 I was filled with joy . . . Having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God.  And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

What I discovered is that God loves me just as I am, and that I am precious to Him, not for what I do for Him, or for how I do things for Him (always doing things the “right” way), but that He made me to be who I am, and that being myself was ok with Him.  He wanted me to be in a relationship with Him, one where I didn’t have to worry about measuring up to some unreachable standard, or someone else’s standard, but one where I accepted His Son’s work on the cross on my behalf making me righteous and justified.  I was free to be who I am because of His love and because of the sacrifice Christ made for me.

This was a Hallelujah moment for me.  Talk about having emotions!  I was so overwhelmed with the love of God for me and His acceptance of me that all I could do for hours was to weep and raise my hands in praise to God, thanking Him and praising Him while all the fear and ugliness stuffed inside was washed away.  For the first time in my life I understood what it meant to be a child of God’s, I truly sensed the freedom we have in Christ, freedom to be who He purposed me to be.  God’s love engulfed me and tremendous joy exploded with me!

I wanted to rush home and clean my house from top to bottom because God is pure.  I wanted to plant a multitude of flowers so when people came over and commented on their beauty I could tell them of God’s greatness and creativity.  I wanted every aspect of my life to point to God and His goodness.

I realized something else that day that astounded me . . . all this time I had been hoping the right person would come along with the key that would unlock my box and let the “real me” out.  Well, I discovered the right person was me!  I needed to come to the place where I sought my answers from God’s word myself, not just taking the word of pastors and teachers and youth leaders and Bible study guide authors, but to seek God’s face in His Word openly, honestly and in humility.

As I am learning to walk with Christ in true liberty, submitting to Him and the transforming work of the Spirit by the Word of God, I have started committing more of His Word to memory.  The passage I am working on now is found in Colossians 1:9-14.  It is what I pray for myself as well as for others; today I offer it to those of you who are working to overcome the grip of legalism in whatever form it’s taking in your life.  “For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you may walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in light.  For He delivered us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”